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by Marilyn O’Connor
I look into the face of the person who tells me he loves me, and then he hits me. I look into the eyes of the person who promised, before God, to take care of me the rest of my life, as he punches me. I hear the voice of the person who exchanged marriage vows with me as he shouts profanities in my face. I hear my children scream and cry out in fear because they don’t understand what is happening to their mother—and I am helpless. I
lose faith. I lose hope, and I want to die. I pray to die because the emotional and physical pain is so terrible—but I don’t. God has other plans for me.
I am grateful every time the beatings are not severe enough to send me to the hospital. I thank God and I ask why. I ask what I have done in my life that was so terrible that I would have to endure this punishment.
Punishment! My God does not work that way. I pray to God to change me so I would not provoke the anger. I pray that God would change him so the violence stops. Still, it doesn’t happen. I don’t change, he doesn’t change. The violence continues. God, are you listening? Do you hear me? Don’t you care what is happening to me?
I keep a bag hidden and packed with clothes for the children and me. I have a little money tucked inside in case I have to get away fast. Where will I go? I am fortunate
enough to have family I can go to, but I don’t make that move. I keep trying ways to make this situation work out. I am torn. I want my children to be safe and I want to be safe, but I promised to love this person in sickness and in health—and this anger turned violent is an illness.
Again, I pray. I feel as if I have been forsaken. Then I remember that the Bible tells me that God has counted each and every hair on my head. I think I must be important to God, and I find that I am. God blesses me with courage and strength enough to make the break.
God leads me to family and friends who help and support me. My God helps me find a way to take care of my children and work.
As I draw that first breath in safety, I say, “Thank you, God! You were listening!”
Marilyn O’ Connor is assistant director, Women of the ELCA.
Copyright © 2004 Women of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.
Reprinted from the October 2004 issue of Interchange with Permission. Download
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